This last round of chemo was tough for me. Running on very little sleep and so much nausea makes it difficult to even get out of bed, or stay out of it for very long. Today, I pushed myself to get to the gym, knowing I had to meet with someone this afternoon. My thought was, ‘I will feel better after I work out,’ which normally is the case. When I arrived home afterward, I wasn’t feeling much better. In the past I may have called and cancelled the session, but not now. Now I know in the midst of helping someone is when my passion is ignited and my true self shines. Normally I try not to get into my own life’s journey during a session but sometimes my past and current experiences help others tremendously. Today when the session was over, I took some time to give personal examples to my client, who had no idea what I have been through in the past, especially these past 10 months. She reminded me of myself 15 years ago. Not many people know that I suffered from major depression and anxiety off and on for over 20 years, starting at age 15. And no matter how many different doctors I saw, how many different medications I was on, nothing seemed to help me, at least for too long. Now as I look back, I clearly see why. It was totally my mindset and the fact that I wasn’t ready at all to work on myself.
When I brought up to this woman my diagnosis last August, her mouth dropped. When I told her that I had just finished my last round of chemotherapy two nights earlier, her mouth dropped even more. “How do you stay so positive?” she asked. My response was one that I give every time someone asks me that question: “I continuously remind myself that someone has it worse than me.” I continued by elaborating a few facts about my cancer journey, such as: I could have gained 50+ pounds instead of only 30, I could have vomited every night rather than just a few, I could have lost all my hair and have it not come back like some I know. I am able to breathe easy. I am able to speak, hear, see, walk, exercise, think (although brain surgery and chemo can make one forgetful and endure brain fog), I still have all of my body parts (with the exception of a golf ball-sized hole in my brain), I have a roof over my head, I have so much love and support, I have two healthy kids and an awesome guy, and I feel blessed beyond measure. As I was speaking those words to her, I was reminding myself that I am where I am because of the way I choose to look at the positive. In the state of depression years ago, I was there because I only focused on the negative. I saw no blessings. I am thanking God as I type this that I have come this far and am able to help others because of my experiences. Would I go back and change things? No…not one single thing. Daily, I strive to work on myself with meditation, exercise, affirmations and by engaging in the things that bring me joy–all the things that keep me out of a depression and focusing on the positive. It is a choice and I am so glad I have made it. It definitely helped me get through my journey with brain cancer so I can remain living a life with purpose.
Amy Musser, a Hellertown resident, is a spiritual adviser and the owner of The Angel Whisperer based at Sacred Space in Hellertown. She was diagnosed with grade 3 astrocytoma, a type of brain cancer, over the summer of 2016. She documents her progress fighting the disease and shares inspiration on her Facebook page.
