I’m about to talk about a universal subject, although the comfort level in thinking about this eventuality of life varies significantly. For those who are squeamish about this topic, I’m giving advance warning that this column is about our mortality. That said, I do hope you’ll hang in there and keep reading, as my focus is coming from a perspective of positivity. Hopefully, I can be at least partially successful in shifting your perspective to the realization that our ultimate passing needn’t be a morbid subject. If you are already in the camp of being comfortable thinking about and discussing this fact of life, the below should resonate as a beneficial exercise.
With that disclaimer out of the way, I will explain why writing our own obituary is such a valuable process and why making it an annual routine can be instrumental in keeping you on track to live the life you want most.
By design, an obituary provides a highlight reel of a person’s life, typically in a brief format of up to a thousand words (roughly two typed pages). You have undoubtedly read one before, so you’re familiar with the general layout of telling the reader what was most significant about the deceased, along with highlighting what they considered most important in their lives. In addition to surviving family members, there is a broader overview of the life lived, focusing on careers, accomplishments, milestones and a brief portrait of who they were and what they held dear. Where our passion goes, our energy flows, and an obituary is a place where we can develop an understanding of what someone was passionate about and how that manifested in their life.
One of the challenges we face is that time rushes by, and we often find ourselves so caught up with the day-to-day activities that we don’t dedicate much thought to the bigger picture of ‘Are we living the life we aspire to?’ How we spend our time is ultimately how we spend our time on Earth. It’s easy to undervalue the importance of each day, but when we look back, our life is, of course, a collection of single days. You’ve probably heard the expression, ‘life is what happens when we’re busy making plans.’ There is a lot of truth in that observation, and unless we dedicate time to zoom out our lens and look at the larger landscape of life, the months and years can easily slip past and leave us wondering where they went. Here are a few fundamental ways that setting some time aside once a year to write your obituary can help you focus on what’s most important to you in living your best life, and one that you will be most proud of:
Aspirations: What would you most like to see for accomplishments in your life? Maybe it’s a degree, certification or involvement in a charity (or starting your own). Perhaps it’s seeing all 50 states, writing a book, learning a new language or running a marathon. Maybe it’s being the best parent possible, and if so, what does that look like when you are writing about it in a summary of your life? The specifics of what you aspire to most are only something you know, but committing them to paper allows you to do a self-assessment to determine if you are on track to achieve them and, if not, what plans you need to make to ensure these life priorities happen.
Gratitude: Most of us have many things to be thankful for, and sometimes it’s easy to forget just how much we have to be appreciate. Our default brain setting is to pay more attention to negative aspects rather than positive ones. (For that, we can thank our ancient ancestors who needed hypervigilance to possible existential threats, and our brain still comes with that vintage feature of making problems the focus of our attention.) By reflecting on all the good things in our lives that bring us joy and fulfillment, we can consciously spend more time involved in those areas and maximize doing the activities we cherish most. With Thanksgiving around the corner, it’s worth mentioning that this is the perfect annual time to start this exercise.
Assessment: We are primarily habit-driven, which means that in most cases, what we do today will look very similar to what we did yesterday and tomorrow. When you look back at your life, the million-dollar question is: Do these routines look the way you want them to? Think of your obituary as a visit with the Ghost of Christmas Future in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol story. It provides a chance to see, in broad strokes, what your life would be like while there is still plenty of time to make changes. History is not destiny. Simply because we have done something in the past does not mean we are compelled to keep doing it, although we need to consciously decide to override the mental ‘cruise control’ and work to create new habits. You can look at this self-assessment portion through the lens of ‘start, stop, continue’ to determine what you would like to add to your life, what you would be better off eliminating and what’s working well. Consider yourself the captain of your ship on a journey across the ocean. It’s much easier to keep an eye on the navigation instruments and make frequent and minor course corrections than to realize you have been traveling in the wrong direction for an extended period. Ideally, our actions align with our intentions to live the life we will be most proud of being remembered for, but most of us do not regularly dedicate the time to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in outlining what we would like our legacy to look like.
As mentioned at the start, the reality is that all living things have a lifespan, and this does not need to be a topic of avoidance. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, and the realization that each day is truly a gift helps clarify that the focus can be on how much life we can fit into our days, not how many days we get in our lives. When you think about it, obituaries are all about life, and death has nothing to do with them besides a publication date. I hope you find a way to put yours to use when it matters most; in the present.
Eric Bartosz is the founder of BAR40 and the author of the internationally acclaimed and bestselling book ‘BAR40: Achieving Personal Excellence.’ He lives in Center Valley with his wife Trish, daughter Riley and pug Piper, is an adjunct MBA professor at DeSales University and serves the community as an Upper Saucon firefighter, a board member of Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Lehigh Valley and a local race organizer. Eric is a 20+ year runner and racer and can often be found logging miles on the Saucon Rail Trail. Catch up on Eric’s latest Bar Talk columns here.
